Roseberrys Dream

Two in three days; what's going on?:

"Who's the friendliest bear around..........it's Pooh...........that's who!"

Just the one today:

"I reckon the S Club Juniors are just about ripe enough for a squeezing. Aaah, I have waited five long years for this day to come."

As you can see, nothing has changed in the world of Keith.

As Keith is a little quieter nowadays and that a new president-elect has been picked, let's have some of George Bush's most famous faux-pas:

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005

 "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000

 "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000

 "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000

 "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000

 "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002

 "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001

 "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000

"I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002

 "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002

 "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004

"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002

 "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002

"The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004

 "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000

 "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000

"They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000
 

Investment needed to rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina: $14.4 billion (1^st stage of redevelopment: $1.1billion, scaled back to $216million due to lack of state investment) 

United State overseas aid in 2007: $21.75 billion (according to OECD) 

Amount of Senate-supported bailout package paid by the taxpayer to a banking industry lacking in accountability and transparency designed to maintain the status quo (sustaining the disparity between Wall Street and the rest of society and allowing the industry to continue irresponsible lending practices) which flies in the face of Adam Smiths free market economic theory in that there should be no state intervention in times of good and bad: $700billion 

Cost of United States war on terror to date: $1000billion

Ending months of speculation, striker Dimitar Berbatov finally signs the cheque that pays off his weekly paper delivery to his house.  This ends the 'will he, won't he?' saga that has gripped his local community and the uncertainty that has enveloped the local Martins newsagents, situated 200 yards from the multi-millionaire's 8-bedroom mansion.
"This does come as a relief.  Mr Berbatov has kept us in limbo as to his intentions and it's just nice to be able to put the whole matter behind us and look forward to maintaining our special relationship with him and his family" said Mr Patel, the newsagent manager.
Also relieved at the resolution to this drama is the local paperboy who has delivered newspapers to Berbatovs house for the last 10 months.
"Yeah, it's great that we know what's goin' on now" said Billy Donut, aged 10, "I can finally get that tip I was promised and pay to get my bike fixed after my brakes broke and I smashed into Berbatovs front gates."
Berbatov was unavailable to comment himself, but he did issue a statement via his friend and agent, Harry Slapdash.
"I would just like to say that it does come as a relief that negotiations between myself and the other stakeholders in this unfortunate situation have come to a satisfactory conclusion.  In the future, I will fully inform Martins of any changes to my delivery of the Daily Mail and Shoot magazine in order to avoid this kind of scenario in the future."

As reported in the Daily RedTop today.

There is a void in my life.  The red button on the TV remote control is no longer a teleporter to a million different sports and is instead back to its usual video news and weather.  The front pages of the newspapers will return to their depressing global stories instead of smiley athletes holding their medals.  The talk at work will return to talk of work, damn it.

God, I miss the Olympics.

It seems like an age since it started, but it was only a fortnight ago; two weeks of brilliant entertainment bookended by grandiose opening and closing ceremonies that only a dictatorship could produce.  The Chinese love their wire-work, don't they?  Flying drums, acrobats, the lighting of the flame flung into the sky in the hand of an aging gymnast within a stadium so incredible, ours is going to look like a potting shed in comparison.  The sport itself wasn't half bad either.  We proved to be pretty good with boats and bikes, and not too shabby when it comes to punching and kicking people.  That isn't too surprising though; the relaxing of drinks licencing laws meant that every high street in the country is a potential training ground for that kind of thing.  
A McDonalds chomping Jamaican and an even greedier American became the icons of Bay-jing, probably not what the IOC were hoping for to be honest.  Or the Chinese for that matter who went balls out to win practically everything, from their GM gymnasts to their bionic shooters.
Now I'm not going into the realms of conspiracy here (ah, who am I kidding), but there were some instances when it seems that there were some, lets say 'strange' judging decisions in the gymnastics and the contact sports that did favour the hosts.  I watched a chinese gymnast who could have been more than 3 years old fly around the parallel bars, but she did make some mistakes and landed quite badly afterwards, yet she still beat an American with a suspiciously Russian name who in my eyes did a much better job of it.  Now I don't know how they judge these things but it obviously isn't logically.  It's this that makes me reiterate my view that any sport that is judged on subjective merits is not an Olympic sport.  The motto of the Olympiad is 'Faster, Higher, Stronger', not 'Faster, Higher, Stronger, Looks Nice From My Humble Point Of View But I May Have A Political Stance That May Influence The Outcome'.  Not quite as snappy, is it?
Also, I did agree with Michael Johnson's point that there have been some startling individual performances, especially in the track, but there was hardly any competition.  Bekele, Bolt, Dibaba, et al, they had no true rivals in their events, so you know they were going to win, it was just a question of by how much.  As it turned out, the answer was quite a bit with more records falling than the demolition of a hgh rise music store.  Oh, and no post-Games drug shocks please, thanks very much.
Now as I was out at the Knotty Hill Carnival, I didn't see the closing ceremony, so I only caught the highlights later on.  From what I saw, the precise organisation of the chinese will be replaced in London by transport chaos (the bit when those dancers reading newspapers and other normal things see the bus and all try to cram onto it), adult oriented rock music (JImmy Page and, er, Leona Lewis), and no sporting skill whatsoever (Beckhams hoof from the top of the bus.  Not exactly a showcase of his talents.  They may as well got Peter Kay to do it while shouting "'AVE IT!!!").  

And then there was Boris.

Now I'm not going to criticise him in any way.  Some Londoners may now question the wisdom of giving him the mayoral responsibility at the time when the city really needs to galvanise itself for a huge transformation, not just for the Games, but other large scale projects such as Crossrail, but that was brushed aside leaving one vital question: could he wave a giant flag?  On the whole, while it started off a little shakey, he did in the end get the hang of it.  But I do wish he'd get himself a tailor.  I know, Boris doesn't have the greatest dress sense in the world and it's one of the things that endears him to his followers, but Jeez, just for once, get a suit that fits! (alright, one criticism).  He has vowed though to get into shape for the games.  I'd love to see him qualify for one of the sports (cycling, obviously.  Rugby unfortunately is not included).
And then the flame is extinguished and the Birds Nest is locked up so the displaced population cannot claim their land back.  

Goodbye Bay-jing 2008, hello Stratford 2012.

...see if you can spot it in this clip:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5Mc55P1i9g

 

...in his first interview in Holland, he puts on a faux Dutch accent.  It's the equivalent of me going to Sweden and putting on the accent of that chef from the Muppets.  If you are easily embarrassed, look away now.

A few things I have learnt watching the Olympics:

1. The BBC have it in their charter to interview athletes immediately after their respective events, so they all sound like they are close to death;
"How did you find that race then?"
"WellIthoughtitwentreallywellbutIcouldhaverunbetterohmygodIcan'tbreath!"

2. Usain Bolt has changed athletics training forever.  According to reports, he love McDonalds, goes out clubbing back home and has to be persuaded to train.  And there's us spending millions of pounds worth of lottery money on training centres and talent-spotting programmes when all we need is a Happy Meal.

3. Brendon Foster is the most boring commentator ever.  I stayed up to watch the womens marathon until 3 in the morning and Christ it was an ordeal.  Not because of the race (even though it was traumatic watching them struggle valiantly through the Bay-jing streets, tears in their eyes and blood cming out of their ears), but because I nearly dropped off to sleep every time Brendon opened his gob.

4. Not all athletes at the end of their careers actually want to become one of the ever growing line of useless BBC pundits (Michael Johnson excluded; he's a star).  For instance, Kelly Sotherton wants to help train other athletes and is considering getting her kit off for Playboy.  I must renew my subscription...

5. Dressage is not a sport.  It's bollocks, plain and simple.  In fact any sport that requires the subjective marking by a panel of crusty judges isn't a sport, it's a beauty contest.

6. Greco-roman wrestling looks like violent homosexual foreplay.

7. Chris Hoy looks like a guy in mid-transformation from Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk.  But blimey he can spin those bike wheels.  As does Bradley Wiggins.

8. I can imagine everyone in Australia slipping into permanant depression if we finish above them in the medals table.  Yeah, you may have the Ashes, but we kick your arse in everything (and I mean everything) else. Nah nah!!

Movie trailers are usually there to tease the potential viewer into going to see the whole film by showing little bits of plot and some exploding stuff (or in the case of a period drama, someone looking lustily at a chambermaid which then cuts to a horse and carriage speeding away from a Victorian mansion in Surrey).  But no matter what, should a trailer not only expose how bad the acting is, but also give away the entire plot in two and a half minutes which renders seeing the entire film absolutely pointless.  In any case who would go and see this film anyway after seeing this? 

Oh, the film in question is called Death Race and stars that bloke from The Transporter...

Debbie McGhee
Lorraine Kelly (in Sainsburys, she let me go in front of her in the queue as I only had a loaf of bread)
Wendy Craig
Rolf Harris
Ben Fogle
Frank Bough
Freddie Starr
Jonathan Ross
and the bloke from the JML slicer advert (he was doing a demontration on the shopping precinct)

It's a slow day today.

Time for some more (no doubt drug-induced) randomness from the infamous Keith:

"Back of the motherfuckin net motherfuckers!!! Brap x" (in connection with the Man Utd/Chelsea european final.  Keith is a Man Utd fan you see...)

"Are you going on our 'Free the pedo's [sic] march today?  Bad weather for it."

"Let's get married by sir alan sugar and all live off butter croissants at canary wharf."

"Who's the friendliest bear around...It's pooh - that's who!"

"What you doing ding dong?"

"Oh berries.  Berries for breakfast, berries for lunch and berries for tea.  Berries in the morning, berries in the afternoon and berries at night when noone is looking.  Berries in the sunshine, berries in the mist, berries up a mountain and berries in a ditch.  Berries in a bottle, berries on a plate, berries wearing Ronald Reagan masks, scaring the kids.  Berries are everywhere."  (this has to be his magnum opus)



 

I'm not going to dwell on writing about my Oslo trip here, I'll just put the link to the pics on Flickr.  Instead I'll just mention a few points:

1. There is no litter or pigeon droppings anywhere in Oslo.  
2. The stereotype of scandinavian women being blonde and beautiful is one that has substance.  They are indeed beautiful.  And very blonde.
3. They speak better English "than what I do, innit".
4. It's ham for breakfast whether you like it or not.
5. There are statues everywhere.  And I mean everywhere.
6. The food is expensive, except for ham sandwiches.  And slices of pizza.
7. I didn't see one Viking.
8. Heavy metal and folk singing figure heavily within it's culture.
9. There is no televisual experience comparable to watching Jean Claude Van-Damme's 'Hard Target' in Norweigian.
10. Even though they didn't qualify either, they will spare no opportunity to mention that England didn't make it to the European Championships.  Even my hotel alarm call was the desk staff saying "Wake up, unqualified Englander."



 

Bo Diddley has died.

Swiss dude has built his own personal rocket back-pack and uses it to fly over the Alps.

I've heard some weird stuff over the years, but this one makes my top ten.  There is a band called Press Play On Tape who have dedicated themselves to playing Commodore 64 game tunes live in concert.
Don't believe me?  Well, find out for yourself.

Reading have been relegated from the Premier League.  Now I could start a rant about the unfairness of it all, that some clubs have more financial clout than others and that we did take advantage of the transfer window last summer, and so on.  But I'm not going to do that.
Why?
Because tomorrow morning when I go into work, that's all I'm going to be talking about, probably in response to other peoples questions:
"Alright, Steve?"
"Yeah."
"So Reading go down then?"
"Yeah."
"God, you finished 7th last year, what happened?"
And at this point, I'll launch into a diatribe involving the above and other possible reasons, the overiding one being that we simply were not good enough.
So instead I'll talk about this morning.  This morning, against the wishes of my body, I went to Marlow to run their 5 mile race.  Now this is a good race; nearly 2000 runners, great weather (a little too good actually), good atmosphere and a killer medal.  For the most part of last week, I've been trying to get over a cold that I picked up from (no doubt) somebody at work who blew their nose on my keyboard and swiped the resulting ectoplasm on the rest of my desk.
Today, I'm at the tail-end of that, so I pushed my body around the Tory stronghold and even finished with a sprint.  I have no idea what time I did it in though. The fastest 5 miler I've done is around 35 minutes and I think I was a good deal slower than that.  My mind was in total satisfaction about the fact that I had finished, but my body said "Attack!" and my nose immediately bunged up, head spinning and legs aching.  I must have perspired the Thames by the time I got to the goody-bag tent.  The temperature inside the tent though didn't help matters and someone ahead of me actually collapsed the the ground, not from the race, but from the t-shirt size selection process and medal-grabbing.  I on the other hand deliriously wandered to the car park and had a hair-raising drive home as my left leg decided it was taking its annual leave from clutch duty and I had to resort to driving in fourth gear almost everywhere.  Eventually I parked up at home not too unlike Batman flying into the Batcave after a hard night of crime-fighting and daring-do.  My legs are still not on talking terms with me at the moment and the rest of me isn't too impressed either.
But at least my nose has cleared now.

The sheer brilliance of Brian Blessed on Have I Got News For You (here's a portion of it...)

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/video/2008/apr/30/dragons.den.gremlins.bt